It has been a few months since I have posted. I feel like that is a recurring theme; post some and then go radio silent for a while. I never thought it would be so hard to maintain a blog at a regular pace. Apparently, I grossly misunderstand the requirements to do so. However, we have not had much going on recently so I also struggle with what to say.
The last few months have held some exciting adventures though. We went to Paris in December which was an incredible trip and one we plan to repeat at some point in the not so distant future. Of course, this also included a day at Disneyland Paris, an incredibly beautiful park and one not to miss if you ever have the chance, but if not, no fear; Disney World, in my humble opinion, is still the cat’s meow out of all the parks we have been which to this point includes Disney World, Disneyland in California and now Disneyland Paris.
Shortly after our travels abroad, we found ourselves again at Disney World but this time with Ben’s parents. We had a great extended weekend, albeit exhausting, and stayed at the Grand Floridian. Overall a wonderful time and one I wouldn’t trade for the world.
And our travels were yet not done. Shortly after coming back, we found ourselves in Mississippi and St. Louis, visiting with my mom’s side of the family and getting some much needed R&R. We had incredible weather, shopped, and spent evenings eating and laughing with family we see all to rarely.
Jumping to a couple weeks ago, we again found ourselves 40,000 feet up. This time with our nieces, Raegen and Grace. We were Empire bound, and with first time fliers, had an incredible, somewhat wet, weekend in the Big Apple. My mom tagged along rounding out a great group of five. We explored all ends of the city and visited historic landmarks, and moving museums. It was a time with my family and nieces I would also not trade for anything. It was pure joy watching their faces as we took off in their first flight, and seeing a city through the eyes of someone who has never seen such a metropolis was enlightening in a way we would not otherwise been able to experience.
And now I sit, in our routine Memorial Day weekend spot. Site 99, Jellystone Park, Silver Lake. The wind is light, the sun is bright, in the distance laughter of children playing in the pool fill my ears. It is a beautiful, tranquil place that all in the same is busy, chaotic, and full of energy. Hearing the kids playing nearby brings me to a reflective place in regards to our adoption journey.
We started down this path almost one year ago exactly. It was exciting and busy at first. Our days early on were filled with paperwork, home visits, nursery decorating, and somewhat rose colored glasses in our expectation things would move fast, and initially they did. If you want to be technical, the journey started all the way back in December of 2015 with the decision to pursue adoption and after a few reach-outs, we found our agency home Greater Hopes in early January. However, our approval was not official until May of 2016. After that we entered a period of waiting, and waiting, and waiting. At times, episodes of interaction seemed promising, and even overwhelming, but they always followed with some sort of let down. I already wrote about this, but the most intense of which was the call in October, late one evening, in which a mom was considering us as well as two other couples for a newborn that needed a home to go to immediately. We all know how that ended and it was hard, but we moved on.
At the beginning of this year, I feel that personally for me, I entered a deep space of protection. I became disheartened that we had not yet matched and started to separate from the process. I even considered stopping. This may sound silly with only 8–10 months of time waiting, but leaving yourself that vulnerable, for even that short period of time, became emotionally draining. However, I kept relying on my faith that told me, “what would happen would happen, and for a reason.” It was okay if we did not end up with a child and if we are supposed to, it will happen. Ben and I made a pact with each other. We would stick with this as long as possible until either it became too much, or I reached 35, and I kept coming back to this pact, thankful we did so. And innately, I still had this flicker of optimism. Soon, I would see this flicker turn to a flame.
May 19th started as any day but ended very differently. Cathy, our agency director reached out via text asking if we would let a perspective birth mom take home our project (photo album). She informed us that we were one of two families under consideration, and no further details at the time. We of course said yes. The next contact came via email. It was a hypothetical scenario they wanted to run by us. A phone call was made, a volley of questions and in the end, still no answer, but a hope of one to come soon.
Then we woke on May 25, and things changed. We were camping and made the journey back to Twin Lake and got my grandma for breakfast. We had just ordered food when Ben’s phone rang. He got up to answer but I saw the caller ID. It was Cathy, from Greater Hopes. My heart sunk. Early on we had discussed that if things were going sour, they would contact Ben first, and I quickly became consumed with doubt. He left the restaurant and I informed grandma that he was just getting the call, probably that we did not match. Before I knew it, Ben was back in the diner and waving me to go outside. I wasn’t sure I wanted to. All at once I relived the last 15 months. The ups, the downs, the excitement and heartache. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear a no in person. But I got up and proceeded anyway. We are in this together, and I could not leave it to Ben alone. We huddled, Ben and I, behind a big white pole barn to get away from the traffic noise, and placing the phone on speaker, heard the words that would change our lives forever, “you matched.” It was hard to comprehend. I was ready for the news we were not picked, but hearing we were matched, did not cross the brain-ear barrier initially. I had to think, and process. Matched, what does she mean!?
In the following 24 hours we experienced a myriad of emotions from anxiety, to excitement, to fear. In the end, what has best summarized our feeling, was something I read online: cautiously optimistic.
Being matched is only step one in many more to come. Our potential son is not due until August 22nd. The mom, who we have met, is an incredible, courageous, kind, smart, beautiful young woman. We owe our future to her. And beyond the birth, we will encounter court hearings, home visits, and many other possible hurdles. Ultimately, will not experience a true sigh of relief until this has all come to a close, with our potential son at home, with us.
In talking with Cathy, she gave us wise advice to share the news, but guardedly so. In her words, “We have matched with a pregnant mother. Currently, the plan is adoption and we are to be the adoptive parents and if all goes according to plan, this will occur. However, at the moment, it is just that, a plan.” And we have no more a promise than a plan. A plan we hold dearly to with hopes it one day soon, becomes a reality.